Some Truths

  1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
  2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs', what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
  4. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
  5. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become dis'oriented?'
  6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  7. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
  8. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  9. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  10. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  11. When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts' and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
  12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  13. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
  14. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
  15. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
  16. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  17. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  18. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  19. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? (think about it)
  20. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  21. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  22. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  23. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  24. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam
  25. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  26. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  27. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  28. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
  29. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning
  30. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
  31. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts
  32. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
  33. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  34. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
  35. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
  36. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
  37. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
  38. He who hesitates is probably right
  39. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
  40. No one is listening until you make a mistake
  41. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view
  42. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
  43. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
  44. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach
  45. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
  46. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles
  47. Two wrongs are only the beginning
  48. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
  49. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
  50. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
  51. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
  52. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
  53. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
  54. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines
  55. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things
  56. A fool and his money are soon partying
  57. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation
  58. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
  59. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
  60. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments
  61. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
  62. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
  63. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route
  64. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
  65. Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."
  66. Death to all fanatics!
  67. Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo
  68. Chastity is curable, if detected early
  69. Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
  70. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
  71. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned
  72. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
  73. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now
  74. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines
  75. Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back
  76. Beware of geeks bearing gifs
  77. Half the people you know are below average
  78. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
  79. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
  80. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
  81. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

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